Domestic abuse – Badge of Shame? Based on true events

“In remembrance of the victims of domestic abuse who on the wings of eagles soar to the heavens in the arms of God”        

You punched holes through my heart,

Ripped  my soul and tore it apart.

Fists that bruised me inside and out,

My trust you took away to rot.

Wasn’t I your so radiant bride?

Why did you steal away my pride?

Leaving me imprisoned in every tear,

These fists are what you made me fear.

Now when you wonder why I no longer care,

Look at your hands, the answer is there.

        Written and contributed by a victim of domestic violence.

A friend called. Weeping bitterly! Her sister, Rafiqa, was admitted in the hospital and could I have a look at her? Badly beaten by her husband, her body bruised all over, her spleen ruptured and three teeth broken, she was immediately taken to the theatre for emergency surgery. The year was 2007. Two years later Rafiqa died. They called it suicide. I knew better. She died of shattered dreams and the shame of being beaten and battered in front of her children. Modern culture may see it as a disgrace, for a man to be labeled as an abuser but the fact remains we underestimate how wedded our culture is to domestic violence. Statistics show that a woman is battered every 15 seconds by someone who promised to love and cherish her and be with her, “till death do us part”. Even more frightening is the fact that scores of women die everyday of abuse and one in every four women who commit suicide are actually victims of spousal abuse. Think about it in real life terms: Imagine that one in four of your women friend, or relative or neighbour is a potential victim, being beaten or threatened. Upsetting, Isn’t it? And this is just the tip of the iceberg. The reality is much uglier and far nastier than meets the eye.

Apart from physical abuse which leaves broken bones, bruised flesh and spilled blood, the emotional abuse caused by unseen punches and invisible jabs can cause deeper scars to the woman abused. She is demeaned, demoralized, disgraced and degraded. Her self esteem plummeted to rock bottom; she is stripped, to the very core, off her self esteem and pride.

The big question here is; who gave these men the carte blanche to abuse women? Is it the blue print they are handed over as soon as they are born- the blue print which says you are a man and you are superior? When you start trying to figure out what makes these men tick, you enter realms so foreign to normal experience that you are taken aback.  Imagine the horror of discovering that your dream man is actually a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – a nice, charming, caring man in public but an angry, domineering, abuser at home. Same was the case with Shireen (name changed). Like so many abused women, she walked on egg shells for years. “Why does Prince Charming change into a terrifying beast as soon as the honeymoon is over?” A well educated female working as a Lecturer in a Degree college, Shireen faced 10 years of violence- violence in which she lost every shred of her being. She reluctantly recalls the day when her husband beat her to the pulp, so much so that she could not lift her head and had blood pouring down her face. That was the last straw for her. She mustered up the courage to finally leave him because staying would mean sure death since the beatings and abuses were getting uglier by the day. “It starts with a scream, often silent but deafening. It is the sound of dreams being shattered like glass and fear that is so real, it can make you feel there is nothing left inside of you, not even your heart.” She says.  

However, Shireen, who now lives with her parents, won't show you her scars. She is determined that survivors should not glamorize their wounds. “Self pity can be as addicting as any drug”.

What is the solution though? Ultimately, what will make the difference? When will every part of the community; clerics, law enforcement agencies, responds and holds batterers accountable for what they're doing?  We must become a world of people who understand this kind of violence. Batterers deserve stiff penalties for perpetrating domestic violence — a crime that feeds on fear, shatters lives, and keeps communities in denial. It's not somebody else's problem or someone else's responsibility. It's mine and it's yours and its time to act.

PS: There is not a single shelter or home for victims of domestic violence in Kashmir and no one has ever thought of making one either! Most of the victims suffer because they have no support system and nowhere to go. Left with no alternative they submit to their fate, commit suicide or get killed!

(Dr. Rubina Lone is Assistant Professor Department of Microbiology at SKIMS Medical College and can be reached at rubynask@gmail.com)